My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf