When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
still the best tweet of the year by far
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
time machine? you mean a clock?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When you kidnap a writer.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.