Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.