Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.