[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: