I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
$4 #usedbooks
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word