God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty