Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.