*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.