Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.