When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
my name if I was in the mob
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
cyclists
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band