If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Worth the read.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers