The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
You Might Also Like
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists