Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶