me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery