Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Most fashion shows these days…
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
lol
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time