Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
how high up are we talkin’?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets