Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar