Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The best plant holders?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work