I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I never know how much to tip a cow.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Money is the root of all wealth