4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now