teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
*limbos away from your hug*