I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!