Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”