Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.