Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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Me trying to reach for my goals
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
And that about sums it up.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon