We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…