I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!