[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.