I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
2022 be like
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro