You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
when you don’t want to be too vague
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Based Erika
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.