Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
God has abandoned us.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.