July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras