Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m awake but I object,
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Great game to play with friends
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
But that’s none of my business
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster