me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza