[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Very good news from my accountant
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked