[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants