Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
B
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
*watches the world burn*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend