My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You are what you delete.
“We will wed,” I threatened
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*