*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little