One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.