A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
concern