Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Yep.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.