Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.