Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
You Might Also Like
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
See..?
.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird