Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
won’t smith
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.