son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
You Might Also Like
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.