My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You Might Also Like
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
The 6 types of sex
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My therapist after every session
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.