The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same