Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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found my next D&D character name
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Owl Sanctuary
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.